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MINDFULNESS: A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations; used as a therapeutic technique.
Part 1. My Journey
Today, I want to share a deeply personal story with you – one that revolves around the transformative power of mindfulness. It wasn’t until months after a life-altering medical emergency that I truly understood the significance of mindfulness in finding solace, strength, and healing amidst adversity.
In February 2015, at the age of 47, I experienced multiple life-threatening DVTs (Deep Vein Thromboses) and what my medical team described as “innumerable bilateral PE” (Pulmonary Emboli). It was truly the most harrowing and soul-shaking point in my life. It tested every ounce of strength that I’d ever had. The trauma I experienced put my resiliency to the ultimate test. It felt as though life had thrown an overwhelming weight upon my shoulders, and the burden seemed insurmountable. Having experienced parental abandonment at age 14, my own greatest fear was that I would die and thereby “abandon” my teenage son.
My mindfulness journey began when my anxiety levels peaked to unimaginable heights, triggered by the traumatic medical experience. As I battled to recover physically, my mind became engulfed in a storm of fears and worries unlike any I had ever encountered before. Until that point, I had been so used to burying emotions behind an impenetrable wall of pretend composure.
Feeling anger and resentment from being bullied, undervalued, or ignored? Shove it behind that wall!
Feeling guilt, fear, and terror caused by previously experienced physical, psychological, and emotional abuse? Shove it all down extra deep and forget about it!
I had learned early that to keep myself “safe”, I needed to hide my emotions. I became an expert at hiding my true feelings. At that point in my life, I had a little-known but overpowering fear of needles. So, after spending a week in the hospital, receiving multiple daily Lovenox shots in the abdomen, and numerous blood draws to measure INR[1], my nerves were frayed. The hospital refused to release me until I could inject myself with the lifesaving blood thinner. I look back now, and I can laugh at myself, but at the time I was in tears. Once I was finally released, the additional distress caused by my needle phobia led to me spending over an hour locked in a bedroom and hiding away from my family members as I tried to self-administer that first at-home Lovenox shot. In between silent tears, I must have jabbed myself two dozen times in the belly before successfully delivering that dose.
The emotional fatigue I felt following the eruption of old and new feelings and the resurfacing of ancient trauma experienced during childhood and college was overwhelming.
My medical-related anxiety not only opened past wounds but also laid bare buried traumatic memories that I had long suppressed. Week after week, panic attacks consumed me, leaving me feeling powerless and defeated. I found myself rushing to the emergency room multiple times a week seeking relief from the overwhelming physical and emotional symptoms: including racing thoughts, insomnia, tingling and numbness in my limbs, heart palpitations, heart rates above 200, and pain in the center of my chest. The toll this took on my life was immeasurable, as each day seemed like an uphill battle to find stability and peace within myself.
The negative impact on my mental state was not limited to my own life; it extended to my loved ones as well. Witnessing their unwavering support and concern, coupled with my own inability to find solace and emotional self-regulation, only deepened my sense of guilt and sadness. I knew that I needed to make a change, not only for myself but for those who cared about me deeply.
It was at this critical juncture that I confessed what I was dealing with to my primary care doctor at MGH, and she referred me to the Benson Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine at Mass General Hospital. It became a beacon of hope for me. The Institute introduced me to mindfulness and its transformative potential. Through their guidance, I learned the power of meditation, breathwork, and yoga in managing anxiety and stress. These ancient practices became a lifeline, leading me toward healing and allowing me to gradually reclaim control over my life. I learned how to be more mindful and to recognize the signs of my anxiety (e.g., negative thoughts) so I could head them off by employing simple breathing exercises that prevented or eased my panic attacks. I was astounded by the power of something so simple!
Mindfulness became a sanctuary where I could confront past trauma with compassion and understanding. Over the weeks and months, I went from claiming that I could not meditate because of an inability to control my thoughts (i.e., monkey mind), to being able to remain focused on my breath for longer periods each time. Rather than avoiding my feelings, I started to embrace them without judgment. I leaned heavily on my faith and prayer. I began therapy for the first time and started the practice of keeping a gratitude list and journal to help unravel the tangled emotions that had plagued me for so long. When I found myself thinking limiting and negative thoughts, I asked myself where they were coming from and began challenging and reframing them. Self-compassion and mindfulness allowed me to initiate a new level of self-discovery, emotional resilience, and empowerment that I never knew existed.
As the weeks passed, the frequency and intensity of my panic attacks diminished. With every mindful breath I took, I felt a newfound sense of calm and clarity. The emergency room visits dwindled to nothing, and I felt myself reclaiming the life that anxiety had taken from me. The ripple effect of this transformation touched not only my own existence but the lives of my loved ones, as they witnessed the healing power of mindfulness and its profound impact on my mental well-being.
Mindfulness is not a quick fix; it is a journey of self-growth and understanding. It requires patience, commitment, and self-compassion. For those willing to embark on this transformative path, the rewards are immeasurable. My story stands as a testament to the life-changing potential of mindfulness, proving that even in the darkest moments, healing and hope can emerge when we embrace the power of presence and self-love.
If you find yourself resonating with my experience, I encourage you to explore mindfulness as a tool for healing and transformation. It may just be a guiding light that leads you back to the joy, peace, and strength that you deserve. Please check out part 2 of this blog below for tips on starting your own mindfulness practice.
Part 2. Tips for Starting a Mindfulness Practice:
If you are considering embarking on your own mindfulness journey, here are some practical tips to get you started:
1. Begin with your Breath: Breathing is the anchor of mindfulness. Take a few moments each day to sit quietly, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. Inhale deeply, counting to four, and exhale slowly to the count of six. This simple exercise calms the nervous system, bringing you into the present moment.
2. Explore Meditation: There are many guided meditation resources available to help you ease into the practice. Apps like "Insight Timer", “Headspace” and "Calm" offer a variety of guided meditations for different purposes, such as relaxation, sleep, or anxiety relief.
3. Practice Yoga: Yoga combines movement with breath, making it an excellent way to cultivate mindfulness. Whether you're a beginner or an experienced practitioner, practicing yoga can help you connect with your body and mind on a deeper level.
4. Mindful Moments: Incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines. Whether you're washing dishes, walking in the park, or spending time with loved ones, engage fully in these activities, appreciating every moment.
5. Take Time to Journal: Journaling allows you to record your thoughts and emotions. This helps you to gain clarity and understand your inner world so you can explore fears and hopes and nurture a sense of self-awareness and self-compassion.
6. Keep a Gratitude List: This allows you to shift your focus from anxiety to appreciation. Acknowledging the positive aspects of your life allows you to cultivate a mindset of gratitude, and foster feelings of joy and contentment through introspection that fosters a positive outlook on life. I use a free app that supports me in building both a gratitude mindset and a journaling practice – it is called “Gratitude Journal, Affirmation”. In addition to being a Gratitude List and Journaling app, it delivers daily affirmations, offers mindfulness and gratitude quotes that you can share with others, and has a section for Vision Boarding.
Sample Breathwork for Focus, Anxiety, and Stress:
Breathwork is a potent mindfulness tool that can be applied in various situations. Here are some breathwork exercises to help with focus, anxiety, and stress:
1. Box Breathing: Inhale for a count of four, hold the breath for four counts, exhale for four counts, and then hold again for four counts before repeating the cycle. This technique enhances focus and brings a sense of calm.
2. 4-7-8 Breathing: Inhale deeply for a count of four, hold the breath for a count of seven, and exhale completely for a count of eight. This practice is excellent for reducing anxiety and promoting relaxation.
3. Alternate Nostril Breathing: Gently close your right nostril with your thumb and inhale through the left nostril. Close the left nostril with your ring finger and exhale through the right nostril. Continue this cycle for a few minutes, switching sides. This exercise helps balance the mind and alleviate stress.
Mindfulness has been the beacon of light that guided me through dark times. By incorporating breathwork, meditation, and yoga into my daily routine, I found inner peace and a renewed sense of purpose. Remember that mindfulness is a journey, not a destination, and each step you take counts.
If I can find comfort and healing through mindfulness, so can you. Embrace this powerful practice with an open heart, and let it guide you to a life of serenity, self-discovery, and resilience.
For a list of more comprehensive tools and resources around starting your own mindfulness practice, you may want to check out Mindful.org “Getting Started with Mindfulness” page by clicking on the following link: https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/
[1] International Normalized Ratio (INR) is a calculation based on the results of a prothrombin (PT) test and is used to monitor individuals who are being treated with the anticoagulation medication warfarin (National Blood Clot Alliance).
